My flaws

It's hard blogging when you don't know what to write about, sometimes you just don't have the energy and it's such a slippery slope to go down.

I sometimes wish I was born weak, unable to fight anyone and anything, just another insignificant occurrence. I don't mean to sound negative but a part of me is always trying to fight everything, I don't know why but I can't control it, if the door says pull then I'm gonna fucking push. Everyone thinks it's just a phase, but I know deep down that it isn't.

When I was younger I loved getting into fist fights, as I got older I thought that the urges would be gone but I was wrong, I still love to fight, maybe not physically but it just manifests into other forms. I highly doubt that my ego has anything to do with it, I know just by saying that just proves the other even more, sure we all have that base level of dignity but I'm the type of person that doesn't mind getting dirty for incentives, you could say I have a very loose moral compass if the reward is something I desire so i don't think things like, "pride", ego" or "dignity" are causing me to fight so much.

Also, I can't feel shame. Or fear for that matter. Maybe the latter statement might be overdoing it but just hear me out.

It's not so much as I can't feel shame emotionally, I know the act is shameful, I just simply ignore it. I know it's vague but it's all I know how to say, I know shouting in public is embarrassing, I feel it but I always manage to un-feel it somehow.


There's also the matter of me being unable to feel satisfied with ANYTHING. Don't be mistaken though, feeling happy does'nt always equates to satisfaction and that's where my life is right now. I don't want to feel happy, I don't want to feel satisfied, I WANT TO FEEL SPOILED. I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A MOTHEFUCKING GOD. I DON'T WANT LOVE, I WANT UN-REQUITED, UNDYING, SELFISH OBEDIENCE. I DON'T WANT TO BE RICH, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BUY THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN. I WANT EVERYTHING. I WANT TO OWN IT ALL. I WANT TO EAT IT ALL. I WANT TO CUT INTO THE DEVIL'S BODY AND EAT HIS HEART. I WANT TO SWALLOW THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING UNIVERSE. 

More tmrw.


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